For_A Clean House

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My father used to say to me “Look at this stove, it’s not clean enough.” after I finished wiping down the stove.

He’d add “Amy, don’t you want to be the best in the world at cleaning the stove? You need to try harder.”

I never engaged with him in dialogue about such things – arguing with him was almost NEVER worth it. There was this one time, while winding a garden hose in the “not right way” that I yelled back at him “Do it yourself then!” and dropped the hose and walked away. THAT was a spectacular moment.

Most days though, I’d think what I would say – “No, I don’t want to be the best in the world at cleaning a stove, ever.  When I’m older, I’ll hire someone to do that.”

It turns out that he was right and so was I.  I didn’t and still don’t want to be the best stove cleaner in the world. While I was home for 16 weeks on unemployment, I was watching my money, so I cleaned and paid attention to the details myself. I wouldn’t say I’m the best cleaner in the world, but when it’s a priority I do a damn good job. I still think of my Father when I clean the stove.

I think what he was trying to say is – find something you love doing and do that to the best of your ability, but he didn’t know the right words to say. What he forgot to mention was – first, if you are doing something you love, it doesn’t always feel like work, it will somedays, but when you get those moments of inspiration that feel like this is what you were meant to do, it doesn’t feel like work. What I was trying to say back –was you can and should outsource the things you don’t want to do.

Having a clean house is a priority, but me cleaning the house is not. Paying for a person to do what I am capable of doing seems counterintuitive. It seems like a luxury that I shouldn’t give myself. But then I remind myself:

You can afford it, if you want to. Sacrifice the things you don’t want for the things you do.

Why shouldn’t I have such luxury?

I’d rather have a clean house than 100 cable channels. For the cost of that I can have someone clean. Other people would rather have the cable channels.

The person who cleans my house left a note after their first day that said. “I love cleaning your house!”

I think that’s awesome, they’re doing what they love and I’m doing what I love. We’re both happier people.

It’s not often that I can appreciate my Father, but for this one little moment, I appreciate the fact that we were both right.

What can you stop doing that you don’t love and hire someone to do?

FEAR = ADVICE

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I was listening to an interview with Danielle Laporte the other day – I know I keep mentioning her, but if you become obsessed, you gotta go with it.

She said something that sent me off unraveling threads of information in my head.  FEAR = ADVICE. FEAR=ADVICE.

I am certain she went on to say something brilliant about this statement, but all the same FEAR=ADVICE had me caught up and I went no further in the interview.

Fear is powerful, fear if taken as advice can be equally as powerful. Sometimes fear is necessary to get you moving – when there is danger involved. But many times fear paralyzes us into inaction when it might not be necessary.

Sometimes fear will guide us to turn away and that’s exactly what we should do, but what about when fear stops us because we’re afraid of something that’s not real, some story we tell ourselves?  Instead of shrinking from fear, what if we stood in front of it and asked it the question – What am I actually afraid of?

I’m afraid of not being true to myself.

I’m afraid of not being able to do it.

I’m afraid that I’ll fail – correction I’m afraid that I’ll look stupid.

Why try? I’ve tried so many times and nothing works.

All messages from FEAR that are so not cool.  By answering my own question for fear – What am I afraid of?  The answers seem meaningless when I write them down. REALLY? That’s all it takes for me to GIVE UP?

FEAR, I’ve got your number and in the future, I’m going to ask for your advice instead of shrinking away from you.

We don’t have to be small, we don’t have to shrink ourselves to fit in. We can ask FEAR for advice and either take that advice or choose to turn away from it.  It’s all ours to choose.

I question myself most days right now – What if I’ve made a terrible mistake taking this job? What if it’s not what’s right for me right now? And the what if is the problem. Time will tell.

Before Danielle Laporte mentioned fear she also mentioned mistakes and how it’s a learning experience yes, but sometimes you just make BIG ASS mistakes and you can still move on from them. They are yours and do you wish they didn’t happen? YES. But you can move on from them. If you are too afraid that you’ll repeat your mistake though, you might not move on at all.  You won’t make the same mistake and even if you do, it’s yours, own it, learn from it, GO!

No PLAN but a Path

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If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path. ~ Joseph Campbell

I’ve talked about enVISIONing the future, not planning and following the energy. There is one more thing that can set you up for disappointment.  The outcome – The how you get where you are going – The way things come together.

If you are tied to how you get THERE, I can almost guarantee you’ll be disappointed.  The path almost never looks the way we imagined.

I’ll quote myself here too – I can’t ask the universe to deliver what deep down I want for my future and at the same time say, I didn’t expect it to look like this!

No back pedaling – keep going – the path is almost always unclear – everyone else may be saying – that’s not for you, don’t go that way!  And all you’ve got to do is trust that you know the way, you know the path, go with it, don’t fight it.

I don’t know what’s on the other side – I’m not sure what comes next – what I know is I’m right where I need to be right now and so are you.  David Whyte says ~ Everything is waiting for you.

And it is – Are you ready?

Start Now.

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All you have to do is start.

Start at the beginning, wherever you are now.

Start.

Five years ago I would have never said “I’m a writer.” I didn’t believe it, but each day or at least many days I did something to “be a writer” – I wrote, I read and then I wrote some more – I edited – I trashed – I wrote some more.

Today, I AM A WRITER. I believe it.  I have never published anything other than on this website, but what does that mean? I write everyday, even if it’s only a little, I am a writer. My goal is to write and to publish one day, but first – you’ve got to write. If I focus on the publishing part – I’d never write, it’s too overwhelming to think about, instead I write.

I get better at it every time I show up to write.

If you don’t start today – when will you start? Tomorrow? When you retire? When things settle down?

Things never settle down, unless you make them settle down, what better way than to start a practice for bringing something larger, more meaningful into your life.

The more times you begin to do what you want to do, the easier it will become.  If you stop for a while, start again, keep showing up, whenever you can.

What will you say when time has gone by and you haven’t started?

Start. Now. GO.

What are you going to start today?

Starting a NEW job

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Starting a new job, is one part first day of school – at a new school – and two parts first date, minus the nervous laughter.

You hope you end up loving them as much as you want them to love you.

You hope that everything you’ve heard and thought and the story you’ve told yourself about how it’s going to be –  IS TRUE.

You hope –

Anyone can be anyone – even any organization can be anything you believe it to be for six months – and then the cracks show and the truth comes forward and you realize – you might want to make it work and you might not.

I’m thankful to have a job and thankful that it seems to be one that’s going to be amazing and the best and RIGHT opportunity for me right at this very moment. I’ve been telling people in the last few weeks that I found a job – they were so congratulatory that I had to take a step back and remember how hard it’s been for some people to find work.  I’m grateful that this all came together in the way that it did as quickly as it did.

My biggest challenge, while working, will be continuing to focus on the things that I love writing and fitness.  I’m prepared to figure out a way to DO IT. I can do it. Taking everything I’ve learned in the past and bringing it right here, into the NOW. Saying no to the black and white, always living in the gray, in between the absolutes of work and no play or play and no work. We can have both.

It’s a challenge for everyone to find time to do what they love in the world while continuing to make an income to live the life they want to live. One day those two worlds might become the same world, but until then we ride the edge.

Dreams do come true, of course it’s not without actually doing something about them though. The FUTURE is now. GO!

Resistance Training for the Mind

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The greater the tension, the greater is the potential. Great energy springs from a correspondingly great tension of opposites ~ Carl Jung


When you want to get your body in shape, you run, you do resistance and strength training and you get better, faster, smaller, firmer, more fit. Feel the burn, it’s good for you.

What I call resistance training for the mind is what Carl Jung calls Holding the TENSION of the Opposites.

When I first started trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do in this life, someone suggested I hold the tension of the opposites.

I didn’t quite get the meaning, until I got the meaning.

If you are constantly doing, seeing, going, deciding, choosing – without pausing –
you likely aren’t doing much of anything.

If you aren’t aware of what your unconscious (shadow) is doing – you may be sabotaging yourself when you jump to a decision without spending some time with yourself before you jump. Sometimes, you may not have that luxury – burning building, jump out window – but many other times we do have the luxury and we don’t pause, we decide based on our patterns – our history. If we become aware of what is underneath our decision (shadow) we can see things through a clear lens – what our choices are and why we are making them – this sometimes leads to creating a new pattern for yourself, which is more meaningful.

If you choose too soon, you may make a decision out of desperation and not out of consciousness.

A few weeks ago, I had two potential career opportunities on the table, both beckoning and calling me, for different reasons. I had to decide which one to take and soon. Pausing and thinking was maddening, make the choice already! I pulled out my manifesto and my values to think about what’s important to me for the future.  Holding the tension of the opposites, this and that, the yes and the no – I got to a point just sitting, not doing, not thinking – my legs began tingle, tears fell for no reason, and soon the reason became clear – all my life, most times unconsciously – I’ve made choices that drop me into chaos and craziness – because it’s what feels comfortable.

That’s not right for me anymore and not the choice I want to consciously make.

It was instant and clear what was inline with my values and what wasn’t – and saying no to what isn’t inline with my values is clearly what I want to do. But – why was I resisting it?  Because change is hard and what feels comfortable is easy.

I paused some more and reminded myself that re-imagining and reinventing myself takes something different happening, choosing a new pattern.

If you keep ending up in the same place, with the same issues, with the same thoughts, holding the tension of the opposites when you make your next decision, might be a way to move past those things and choose something in a new way.

This is resistance training for the brain. Feel the burn.

I still find it challenging, but the more I do it, the better I get at it and the better choices I make.

Where can you hold the tension of the opposites and resistance train your mind?

REVolution is POSSIBLE

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“Revolution doesn’t have to do with smashing something; it has to do with bringing something forth. If you spend all your time thinking about that which you are attacking, then you are negatively bound to it. You have to find the zeal in yourself and bring that out.”  ~ Joseph Campbell

Six months ago I started a REVolution in my life

instead of a new year’s resolution, i’m starting a new year’s revolution. dream big, be big, believe everything will come true. 2012 you’re the start of a beautiful future.

Putting these words out there, tipped the scales of my life in surprising ways. But, so far everything has come true for me. I continue to believe it will.

Positive thinking won’t get you everywhere, but it is a start. Six years ago I read The Art of Possibility by Rosemund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. One of the best things that I took from the book was being able to reframe things that I once thought were negative into things that are more mysterious, looking at them with more wonder. It taught me to look for possibility in everything, instead of assuming the worst.

Sometimes things feel awful and are in fact awful, but if we change our minds and look for the true meaning, instead of dwelling on the negative things – it’s like having a super power. Life changing.

As my REVolution continues, I look for possibility, dreaming big, being big and that everything will come true.

With a tiny bit of practice, it’s easier to focus on the possibility of what could be and what can be than what isn’t, doesn’t work, or is broken. Put your energy in possibility.

A challenge for you – take one thing that happens and reframe it into something positive.

Stop worrying about things you can’t change.  Stand up, ask for what you want and then go get it.

GO!

Let me know how it goes – really I’d love to hear.

What’s in your revolution? What do you want to bring forth? Are you smashing your way through or finding your zeal?

Healing the Heart and MIND

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When I was in Taos, NM for a writing conference, I stayed at the San Geronimo lodge. At the time, an older woman was the host of the well worn, but clean lodge.

She was a tiny bit bent over and all her hair had gone gray, but still had a spark and an aliveness to her. I was drawn to be nice to her and felt a bond with her.

At that moment I was transitioning between two jobs and had chosen to do this writing retreat as a gift to myself. It wasn’t often that I did this kind of thing “JUST FOR ME” and synchronicity timed it so that it fell between the end of one job and the start of the next.

I needed to be grounded, there was a lot of chaos in my life at that particular time.  I thought a massage might help, even though I was always uncomfortable getting naked and getting a massage. I let intuition drive this decision and it felt RIGHT. There was a woman associated with the writing conference that was available, but it didn’t feel right to me.  So, I asked the older woman running the lodge if she could recommend a massage therapist who would come to my room at the lodge. She recommended someone and I booked the appointment for the next day.

The lodge staff let the massage therapist into my room before my appointment and she had everything setup when I arrived.  She went into the bathroom and I got naked and got on the table under the sheet. Despite it being so warm in Taos, she had brought hot stones with her.

When the massage started, I had intense electric sparks charging through my body, energy moving in and out. I didn’t say anything, because I had never experienced it before and I was kind of freaked out by the whole thing.  The stones she laid on me shook and vibrated. I wondered if it was happening or if I was imagining it – and THEN – I burst into tears.  There was no stopping them and I just went with it. It’s as if something broke loose in me that day.  I’m grateful for the experience.

Afterwards, the woman – and I wish I could remember her name, to give her credit here – said that I should go back to Portland and find someone who works with hot stones because I was in need of more body work to release old energy.

It was a little new age-ish for me, but having had such a profound reaction, I took it to heart  and knew there must be something to it.

When I got back to Portland, I searched the internet and found a bunch of different people, but was drawn to one person in particular, no idea why – but following intuition again – I booked an appointment.

The first time I went to Brenda at Denderah Healing Arts we talked for a bit and I told her about my experience in Taos and that I wasn’t sure about the whole thing. She nodded along while I was talking and then we began the massage.

I get weirded out by anything that is too woo-woo spiritual, but this woman made me a believer and she was gracious enough to not even tell me what she was doing – I think she knew it would freak me out – and I still do not understand exactly what she does, but when I say it changed my life. I’m not kidding at ALL.

It all still feels a bit kooky for me to say, but – I’ve had singing bowls sounded at me, hands placed on pressure points, tuning forks resonating around me, crystals placed on me, hot stones vibrate, felt as if I was lifting up off the massage table, energy going in and out, and I’ve cried or laughed uncontrollably.

Before taking the plunge into the woo-woo, I often felt lost, depressed, not quite myself and if that feeling ever comes up again, I book an appointment.

It’s changed me and is what has worked for me, along with other things, to heal my heart and mind.

What heals your heart and mind?

Stealing_Perrier

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Spring, 1980

I work at the store after school on some days. I only earn a quarter or two, but it’s worth something to me to feel important. I know at nine I shouldn’t worry about feeling important, but I do. Working. I put the quarter or two that I earn into my bank account at the bank across the street. I’m saving for a way out of this town.

I stock the coolers at the store and can carry two 8-packs of glass bottles under one arm and one 8-pack in the other.  Each day when I walk by the cooler, I check to make sure that everything is stocked up and when someone buys something, I run and replace it right away.  It’s my job.

I am tempted everyday by one thing in the store, Perrier. The smooth green glistening bottle taunts me each time I walk past the cooler door.  I slide open the door, the black rubber on the bottom squeaks and I have to push in while I’m pulling to the right or the door gets stuck. If the Perrier bottle is not facing forward, I turn it so the perfect lettering is facing to the front.  Why we sell Perrier in the store, I don’t know.  I’ve never seen anyone buy it.  Perrier is RICH and beautiful to me, not poor and run down like our town. I have never tasted it, but I bet it tastes clean, like the smell of laundry after hanging on the clothes line.

I can’t stop thinking about Perrier and instead of saving for it, which would take months of work at the store, I decide that I can steal it faster than I can save for it.

I know it is wrong to steal, but my brother Patrick does it and he doesn’t seem to ever get in trouble for it. I will only do it once, I promise myself. Only once.

I keep watch for anyone coming down the aisle by the cooler. I’m nervous and I think this is why bad things happen when people steal. They get too nervous and mess up, but I can’t stop my nerves from making me shift around – left foot, right foot – my heart racing.

There are customers up front talking to old Mr. Hambone, who drinks Seagram’s Seven from a paper cup all day long. If I hurry I can run out while they are distracting him.

I slide open the door, pull down one bottle and put it up under my shirt and hold my arm against my side as hard as I can to keep it under cover. I run out of the store, down Avon street, legs and arms pumping, breathing short and quick, sprinting down the sidewalk as fast as I can. I run all the way to the library, around the back where there is a fenced in electrical cage. I sit down in the grass and hold the cool bottle against my face. Sweat dripping, heart racing. I know someone is going to catch me. I want to taste the sweet taste of Perrier, but I am scared. My nerves are jumpy, jumpy and the bottle now feels hot and bad. My belly has the I’ve done something terrible feeling.

I stand up and throw the bottle over the fence, which is locked, with barbed wire along the top.

I stare through the fence, longing for Perrier. Sad.

It was quite a few years before I could afford Perrier and when I finally tried it, I fell in love again – not just with the packaging, but with Perrier. The cool crisp mineral taste. I was hooked.

I thought Perrier would make me feel rich – but realized it wouldn’t if I didn’t get it in a way that felt good to me. Why I learned that lesson and some people keep stealing, I’ll never know, but I’m grateful to have learned it early.

I still don’t know why I had it in my head that Perrier was so good, I laugh at my nine-year-old self, but realize she’s still here with me today. Loving Perrier.  And it is – GOOD.


DEEPression

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I’ve been in a funk.

It’s definitely a funk.

The whirlwind of the last three months, trying to figure out what I was going to do next – were stressful, fretting – a lot. I was patient with myself and with the process, but it impacted me in surprising ways.

First, I had to let go of the idea of my old job and the camaraderie, my pals in BTV and NYC. Getting fired makes you feel like – crap – and in this case, it ripped people out of my life that I held in high regard. It was instantaneous. Like death. There’s no way around it – you doubt yourself and you wonder what other people think of you. Some people call or email and some people don’t and you wonder, is it their discomfort with the situation or did they never have any respect for you at all? So, I spent the time crying and grieving all that I needed and that dropped me down into the first part of the funk.

Signing up for unemployment feels like – crap – too. The process is antiquated, the usability of their website is challenging and then you submit and have to wait for approval – for weeks. It doesn’t take as long if you weren’t fired, but if you were fired – they have to make sure you didn’t do anything that “caused you to be fired” – like punch someone in the face. Then, every week you have to claim a week of benefits, which reminds you that you don’t have a job and that you are receiving unemployment benefits. I understand why you have to do it, but it still feels like – crap. DEEPer funk.

Sunday nights and Monday mornings are difficult for the first 8 weeks. You know that everyone else is getting ready for the week to come and you are not. Monday mornings were 100% depressing. Lonely.  DEEPer funk.

Finally, sending out resumes, talking to people, networking, figuring things out – takes time and energy and it creates self-loathing.  I’m all for promoting myself in a genuine way, but you find yourself wanting people to look at you and affirm that you are good enough, which is weird. You know you are good enough, but for some reason, having someone else think that, especially after you’ve been fired, means something.  This was the DEEPest funk – relying on other people to validate me. Sad.

I felt terrible many days, but worked on being positive. I knew it would all work out, but that trust, in and of itself, was a challenge. But a good one.

What came through for me was this – I know that I sometimes want people to validate me, but it’s not really what I want. I want validation from myself and when I could get to the place where I could give it to myself and believe it. The funk – it lifted.

It’s going to be a great weekend. Get out in it. GO.

What puts you in a funk? What lifted the funk for you?