Category Archives: New Work

REVolution is POSSIBLE

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“Revolution doesn’t have to do with smashing something; it has to do with bringing something forth. If you spend all your time thinking about that which you are attacking, then you are negatively bound to it. You have to find the zeal in yourself and bring that out.”  ~ Joseph Campbell

Six months ago I started a REVolution in my life

instead of a new year’s resolution, i’m starting a new year’s revolution. dream big, be big, believe everything will come true. 2012 you’re the start of a beautiful future.

Putting these words out there, tipped the scales of my life in surprising ways. But, so far everything has come true for me. I continue to believe it will.

Positive thinking won’t get you everywhere, but it is a start. Six years ago I read The Art of Possibility by Rosemund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander. One of the best things that I took from the book was being able to reframe things that I once thought were negative into things that are more mysterious, looking at them with more wonder. It taught me to look for possibility in everything, instead of assuming the worst.

Sometimes things feel awful and are in fact awful, but if we change our minds and look for the true meaning, instead of dwelling on the negative things – it’s like having a super power. Life changing.

As my REVolution continues, I look for possibility, dreaming big, being big and that everything will come true.

With a tiny bit of practice, it’s easier to focus on the possibility of what could be and what can be than what isn’t, doesn’t work, or is broken. Put your energy in possibility.

A challenge for you – take one thing that happens and reframe it into something positive.

Stop worrying about things you can’t change.  Stand up, ask for what you want and then go get it.

GO!

Let me know how it goes – really I’d love to hear.

What’s in your revolution? What do you want to bring forth? Are you smashing your way through or finding your zeal?

Healing the Heart and MIND

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When I was in Taos, NM for a writing conference, I stayed at the San Geronimo lodge. At the time, an older woman was the host of the well worn, but clean lodge.

She was a tiny bit bent over and all her hair had gone gray, but still had a spark and an aliveness to her. I was drawn to be nice to her and felt a bond with her.

At that moment I was transitioning between two jobs and had chosen to do this writing retreat as a gift to myself. It wasn’t often that I did this kind of thing “JUST FOR ME” and synchronicity timed it so that it fell between the end of one job and the start of the next.

I needed to be grounded, there was a lot of chaos in my life at that particular time.  I thought a massage might help, even though I was always uncomfortable getting naked and getting a massage. I let intuition drive this decision and it felt RIGHT. There was a woman associated with the writing conference that was available, but it didn’t feel right to me.  So, I asked the older woman running the lodge if she could recommend a massage therapist who would come to my room at the lodge. She recommended someone and I booked the appointment for the next day.

The lodge staff let the massage therapist into my room before my appointment and she had everything setup when I arrived.  She went into the bathroom and I got naked and got on the table under the sheet. Despite it being so warm in Taos, she had brought hot stones with her.

When the massage started, I had intense electric sparks charging through my body, energy moving in and out. I didn’t say anything, because I had never experienced it before and I was kind of freaked out by the whole thing.  The stones she laid on me shook and vibrated. I wondered if it was happening or if I was imagining it – and THEN – I burst into tears.  There was no stopping them and I just went with it. It’s as if something broke loose in me that day.  I’m grateful for the experience.

Afterwards, the woman – and I wish I could remember her name, to give her credit here – said that I should go back to Portland and find someone who works with hot stones because I was in need of more body work to release old energy.

It was a little new age-ish for me, but having had such a profound reaction, I took it to heart  and knew there must be something to it.

When I got back to Portland, I searched the internet and found a bunch of different people, but was drawn to one person in particular, no idea why – but following intuition again – I booked an appointment.

The first time I went to Brenda at Denderah Healing Arts we talked for a bit and I told her about my experience in Taos and that I wasn’t sure about the whole thing. She nodded along while I was talking and then we began the massage.

I get weirded out by anything that is too woo-woo spiritual, but this woman made me a believer and she was gracious enough to not even tell me what she was doing – I think she knew it would freak me out – and I still do not understand exactly what she does, but when I say it changed my life. I’m not kidding at ALL.

It all still feels a bit kooky for me to say, but – I’ve had singing bowls sounded at me, hands placed on pressure points, tuning forks resonating around me, crystals placed on me, hot stones vibrate, felt as if I was lifting up off the massage table, energy going in and out, and I’ve cried or laughed uncontrollably.

Before taking the plunge into the woo-woo, I often felt lost, depressed, not quite myself and if that feeling ever comes up again, I book an appointment.

It’s changed me and is what has worked for me, along with other things, to heal my heart and mind.

What heals your heart and mind?

Stealing_Perrier

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Spring, 1980

I work at the store after school on some days. I only earn a quarter or two, but it’s worth something to me to feel important. I know at nine I shouldn’t worry about feeling important, but I do. Working. I put the quarter or two that I earn into my bank account at the bank across the street. I’m saving for a way out of this town.

I stock the coolers at the store and can carry two 8-packs of glass bottles under one arm and one 8-pack in the other.  Each day when I walk by the cooler, I check to make sure that everything is stocked up and when someone buys something, I run and replace it right away.  It’s my job.

I am tempted everyday by one thing in the store, Perrier. The smooth green glistening bottle taunts me each time I walk past the cooler door.  I slide open the door, the black rubber on the bottom squeaks and I have to push in while I’m pulling to the right or the door gets stuck. If the Perrier bottle is not facing forward, I turn it so the perfect lettering is facing to the front.  Why we sell Perrier in the store, I don’t know.  I’ve never seen anyone buy it.  Perrier is RICH and beautiful to me, not poor and run down like our town. I have never tasted it, but I bet it tastes clean, like the smell of laundry after hanging on the clothes line.

I can’t stop thinking about Perrier and instead of saving for it, which would take months of work at the store, I decide that I can steal it faster than I can save for it.

I know it is wrong to steal, but my brother Patrick does it and he doesn’t seem to ever get in trouble for it. I will only do it once, I promise myself. Only once.

I keep watch for anyone coming down the aisle by the cooler. I’m nervous and I think this is why bad things happen when people steal. They get too nervous and mess up, but I can’t stop my nerves from making me shift around – left foot, right foot – my heart racing.

There are customers up front talking to old Mr. Hambone, who drinks Seagram’s Seven from a paper cup all day long. If I hurry I can run out while they are distracting him.

I slide open the door, pull down one bottle and put it up under my shirt and hold my arm against my side as hard as I can to keep it under cover. I run out of the store, down Avon street, legs and arms pumping, breathing short and quick, sprinting down the sidewalk as fast as I can. I run all the way to the library, around the back where there is a fenced in electrical cage. I sit down in the grass and hold the cool bottle against my face. Sweat dripping, heart racing. I know someone is going to catch me. I want to taste the sweet taste of Perrier, but I am scared. My nerves are jumpy, jumpy and the bottle now feels hot and bad. My belly has the I’ve done something terrible feeling.

I stand up and throw the bottle over the fence, which is locked, with barbed wire along the top.

I stare through the fence, longing for Perrier. Sad.

It was quite a few years before I could afford Perrier and when I finally tried it, I fell in love again – not just with the packaging, but with Perrier. The cool crisp mineral taste. I was hooked.

I thought Perrier would make me feel rich – but realized it wouldn’t if I didn’t get it in a way that felt good to me. Why I learned that lesson and some people keep stealing, I’ll never know, but I’m grateful to have learned it early.

I still don’t know why I had it in my head that Perrier was so good, I laugh at my nine-year-old self, but realize she’s still here with me today. Loving Perrier.  And it is – GOOD.


DEEPression

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I’ve been in a funk.

It’s definitely a funk.

The whirlwind of the last three months, trying to figure out what I was going to do next – were stressful, fretting – a lot. I was patient with myself and with the process, but it impacted me in surprising ways.

First, I had to let go of the idea of my old job and the camaraderie, my pals in BTV and NYC. Getting fired makes you feel like – crap – and in this case, it ripped people out of my life that I held in high regard. It was instantaneous. Like death. There’s no way around it – you doubt yourself and you wonder what other people think of you. Some people call or email and some people don’t and you wonder, is it their discomfort with the situation or did they never have any respect for you at all? So, I spent the time crying and grieving all that I needed and that dropped me down into the first part of the funk.

Signing up for unemployment feels like – crap – too. The process is antiquated, the usability of their website is challenging and then you submit and have to wait for approval – for weeks. It doesn’t take as long if you weren’t fired, but if you were fired – they have to make sure you didn’t do anything that “caused you to be fired” – like punch someone in the face. Then, every week you have to claim a week of benefits, which reminds you that you don’t have a job and that you are receiving unemployment benefits. I understand why you have to do it, but it still feels like – crap. DEEPer funk.

Sunday nights and Monday mornings are difficult for the first 8 weeks. You know that everyone else is getting ready for the week to come and you are not. Monday mornings were 100% depressing. Lonely.  DEEPer funk.

Finally, sending out resumes, talking to people, networking, figuring things out – takes time and energy and it creates self-loathing.  I’m all for promoting myself in a genuine way, but you find yourself wanting people to look at you and affirm that you are good enough, which is weird. You know you are good enough, but for some reason, having someone else think that, especially after you’ve been fired, means something.  This was the DEEPest funk – relying on other people to validate me. Sad.

I felt terrible many days, but worked on being positive. I knew it would all work out, but that trust, in and of itself, was a challenge. But a good one.

What came through for me was this – I know that I sometimes want people to validate me, but it’s not really what I want. I want validation from myself and when I could get to the place where I could give it to myself and believe it. The funk – it lifted.

It’s going to be a great weekend. Get out in it. GO.

What puts you in a funk? What lifted the funk for you?

Synchronicity and a New Job

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Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen ~
Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you are looking for signs of what you should be doing in your life, they will appear. It CAN BE that simple.

I was fired on the same date my brother died 21 years ago. Given the number of days in a year and the number of days in the last 21 years when something significant like this could happen on

February 16th, I’m going to say it means something. I’m not exactly sure what, but…here’s where I went with it.

My brother was an artist, a handsome devil of a man, who died too early, at 34.  I believe that he died because he didn’t follow his dream. His dream of being an artist.  I’m taking this event as a sign that I must follow my creativity and follow what I want in the world, don’t hold back, hold myself to my own standards and thinking. Don’t kill myself doing something I don’t want to do. GO.

I don’t know how it will end but I do know how it begins.

On February 22nd, I posted about being fired and what I would be doing next. Something with writing – intention set – check.

I promised myself to take the time to grieve, not stress too much, not fret, to have courage – it would all work out in the way things always do and then I watched it all unfold, from the past to the now.

In 2005, when I left the job I was working, I was given a copy of a book that is published by an agency that specializes in writing and strategic communications.  The book is personal creative writing of the people who work at this firm.  They publish it annually to keep their own creativity moving.  The person giving it, knowing I was a writer thought I would enjoy reading it. I read it and put it in a drawer somewhere.  When I moved in 2008, I got rid of nearly everything I owned, so I no longer have it.

Fast forward seven years.

I’m sitting across the table at a Thai restaurant from a recruiter and she says “Have you ever heard of this strategic communications firm?”
“I’ve seen them, but they are in Vancouver.  Who wants to work in Vancouver?”
“Have you seen their building, because if you see it, you’ll know that if you HAVE to be in Vancouver, this is the place to be.”
This was only two weeks after losing my job, so I wasn’t quite ready to REALLY talk to people yet. So, I replied “Let’s wait and see how things go.”

I emailed her about a week or so later and asked to be introduced, because I kept thinking about it.

She said “I’ll introduce you, but let’s wait a little longer.”

A few weeks go by and at the end of March I get an email, from said agency, that says “Our CEO, received your resume from someone on the Agency Roundtable that she attends.” They attached a job description and asked if I wanted to come talk to them.

Synchronicity. I called and said yes!

Who gets a job interview like this?  Maybe a lot of people, I don’t know.  I also don’t know who gave her my resume, it wasn’t the recruiter, that I do know. Whoever it was, thank you.

When I got to the interview I sat down on the sofa and saw the same book, I was given in 2005 when I left that job, which I had forgotten until that day.  Synchronicity!

I spent the next couple of weeks interviewing. There were multiple other shining moments of synchronicity, in addition to sweeping views of the Columbia River, but I was still questioning it, it was almost too good to be true. It was like I was in a movie and everything in the world was saying this is the next step – follow me, but I wasn’t convinced and I kept thinking what is going on? – and then something magical happened, they sent me a job offer.

There have been other options in the last few weeks, other dangling carrots, but I’m trusting that all the signs are pointing me in the right direction. If there is this much energy flowing here, I’m going with it.

I accepted that offer today. It surprises me to say that, but it’s how it all came together.

To be clear, I didn’t sit back and think about what I wanted and wish it would come to me. I set a clear intention – acted – I wrote a manifesto from my heart, that represents me and how I am in the world – I knew that people who didn’t like it wouldn’t like me – and I used it as a cover letter – you can see the latest version of it here – I sent that out to a few key people and then I networked some, and in return I received.

And the next chapter – BEGINS.

The universe delivers.  intention – action – reception.

What are your intentions? You are powerful.

ON_Reading

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More memoir soon – this is just more musing on life.

One writing coach I worked with read my work and said, a seven year old would not use the words you are using in this piece, Torment and Metallic are not words a seven year old would use. She obviously didn’t know me very well.  She could have asked – why are you using this word here?  Did you know that word at seven? Instead she told me not to use them.

What that did for me is lead me to explain why I use the words I do in my writing. So thank you writing coach for pointing this out to me.

I had NINE older brothers and sisters and they are all VERY smart and yes they used the word TORMENT and METALLIC, so at seven, I had a big vocabulary thanks to my brothers and sisters.  And my last statement of explanation from my seven-year-old self – I’M NOT A BABY!

I like to read and sometimes I choose a book that is daunting, one that I know I will not understand for the pure pleasure of being okay with not understanding.

I’ve always loved reading and as a child in Michigan, I would go to the library as often as I was allowed, which was pretty much whenever I wanted, because no one was really paying THAT much attention.  I was on first name basis with the librarian – Sandy Sherba.  I don’t think she really like me though, I was after all the little girl with the rotten teeth.

I tired of reading children’s books and had read most all the books in the children’s/young adult section anyway – it was a small town, and a small library.

I browsed the adult literature section of the library, Sandy Sherba would shoo me out of there saying, “These books are for grown ups.”  When I tried to check out Beowulf, she said “No, how about you read something in your age group.” I then tried to check out The Yearling, which in fact is a Young Adult book, but it was categorized in the adult section because of the content.  “Find something in your age group, you are not old enough to understand this.”

How she knew what I would understand, I do not know.  Because I couldn’t check out the books I wanted, I’d steal a book out of the adult section and go hide somewhere in the library and read and read and read. I read, Tolstoy, Faulkner, Woolf, Sexton, Shakespeare. Most anything I could get my hands on.  I developed a secret love of poetry and would read page after page after page. Reading made me feel alive. I didn’t understand most of what I read, but I am certain it influenced me in some way. I knew I would understand it someday.

I still do this to this day, I read a lot, and sometimes I choose a book from a topic that I’m interested in that I know will be a challenge for me – like James Hillman, or James Joyce – mind melting works.  The first time I read Marion Woodman, I thought to myself what in the hell is she even talking about here? Years/months later when I pick up the book again, I realize I gained something because when I begin to re-read, I understand it, or at least some of it.  I love how that works.

Maybe this too increased my vocabulary.

What about you? What do you read? Does what I’m saying make any sense?

How I Chase THE DREAM

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For me life is about unraveling threads, unlocking secrets, seeking truth in mystery.

What does that mean?

This is how it looks for me, I’ve been meeting with people and talking to people about work and how I might work with them, on this, or that, or the other thing.

I’m not forcing any of it, I ask the question, or I put my information out there – do you want to meet?  Do you want to start the conversation?

Some things flow easily, people say yes or call me, other people stall, don’t get back to me. I’m can’t worry about any of it.  The right thing will come – there is no need to push.

Some might assume that I’m not worried because I have money in the bank, yada, yada – that’s not true – I do need to work – but I don’t just want WORK, I want something meaningful and if you want something meaningful, you have to be selective. Remember, it’s YOUR CHOICE.

I also have learned from years of experience that the next thing ALWAYS appears, not in the time you want it to, but exactly at the right time.

I also have a clear vision of my future and some things just don’t fit with that, so –sometimes you have to take one step back – to take FIVE steps forward.

Don’t get me wrong – if there something I really want and am really interested in, I’m tenacious about follow up and follow through, sometimes you have to try and try again to get someone’s attention, but I prefer to follow the things that want to be followed instead of chasing an elusive dream.

Chase the dream that has energy flowing right now, the elusive one will eventually come around.

But – what if you don’t know what your dream is?  What if you aren’t clear what you want?

Listen to yourself –

Think or write about what your ideal future looks like. Picture it, write it, draw it. In this moment what do you want?

The key is not to find images, but to find images that convey exactly what your ideal life looks like. Capture the emotion of it, make it concrete.  As Danielle Laporte says – how do you want to feel? This is a good start, but I’ll add that seeing it the way you want it to be is helpful as well.

A vision. Create a vision of the future, not the kind that says, I want to feel wealthy, but envision what that looks like to you. It might be – I want to take four vacations a year to exotic places.

Things start to change when you start creating vision, don’t ask me how it works – it’s the mystery part.

Create your own path to where you want to be – easy – simple – clear. First step –Envision it.

Now join me AND GO! What’s your vision?

Don’t GIVE UP

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This morning I was ready to give up the dream and go back to NOT doing what I want to do, but just doing something, anything – someone please give me a job and tell me what I should be doing with my life, instead of leaving me here to figure it out on my own.

Someone?

Anyone?

Hello?

There’s no one there.

Here’s what making your life the way you want it looks like.

1 part LOVE, 1 part PAIN, 1 part AGONY – the outcome is delicious, at least I think it will be, which makes it all worthwhile, but there is no easy way. The ease is in letting go and trusting that it’s all going to work.

In the moments of soaring courage and devotion to making IT happen, you gotta stay, be present, be alive, don’t give up, have courage, go with IT.

In the moments of desperation, the I can’t, I don’t want to, I won’t, it’s not going to work.  That’s when you need to give up.  Give up thinking about those things, they have their place – let them come in and go back right where they came from.

I heard recently that a high school acquaintance died – poof.  Gone.

It reinforces my thinking that today is the only day we have – and today – I’m going to love my life, whether it is good or bad.  Today, I’m going to work on making my life the way I want it. To allow PASSION to drive me and not FEAR.

TODAY is the only day we HAVE.

Today – Love Your Life. Don’t give up – everything you were hoping for can come true.

What’s your passion? What one thing can you do today that will move you toward what you want?

For_theshadow

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BEFORE - ON THE LEFT

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious ~ Carl Jung

The shadow – according to Jung – is the repressed part of the unconscious.  The shadow is everything you don’t want to admit about yourself, or to be, but are usually quite clear when you see it in someone else.

You know that guy at work that makes you so mad when he does that one thing – if you aren’t trying to bring the dark parts of you into the light – you might be seeing in him – the repressed part of yourself – that you find annoying – the shadow.

It’s easy to project our shadow onto everyone other than ourselves. We all do it and it’s a normal thing. So what’s the big deal?

If we take the time to recognize the shadow in ourselves, we find that we can move forward in life and the parts we like about ourselves get better too.  We become less fearful of being found out, of our shadow taking over.

I was afraid of becoming THE FAT GIRL and when I looked in the mirror and was starting to see THAT FAT GIRL, I knew the shadow part of me, that is afraid, was taking over and making me bigger than I needed to be. It’s how I was coping with some things I didn’t want to change, but were making me miserable.  I decided to get to know that fat girl and ask her to exercise with me.  Instead of beating her up, I invited her in.

While running on a sunny day I noticed that my shadow, which I seldom see in rainy Portland, was large – I didn’t recognize myself. It became a metaphor for me – an indicator for change.  As I began to deal with my shadow and uncover and admit my dark and scary places, by exercising, by asking myself the question – what do you really want?, by working on my “issues”.  I saw my shadow shrink.

When I invited my shadow in, it stopped holding me back. Instead of being in the shadow, I could step into the sun. When I was in doubt that I was on the right path – I took a look at my shadow. Big or small?

If you are willing to accept yourself with all of the dark and scary things as well as the good things, you can speak from a new place – without fear of the dark parts of you being discovered and uncovered by someone else. It’s kind of like not keeping secrets from yourself anymore.  Recognizing who you are and being okay with it.

Ignoring your shadow doesn’t make life easier, it forces us to be critical of other people.

Who looks outside, dreams… who looks inside, awakes. ~ Carl Jung

When I bump up against someone who rubs me the wrong way, I’ve started to ask this question and begin an inner dialogue with myself, what part of me do I see in them?  

Why do I hate that guy so much?
Oh, well I think he’s a fraud and not living up to what he’s been asked.
BAM – there it is, it’s something I’m afraid for myself.  Afraid to be a fraud?
I proclaim to be authentic, but what if I’m not?  The opposite of authentic to me is disingenuous, which also means – FRAUD.
So, how can I accept that at times I might be a fraud or afraid of being a fraud.

AFTER

Be ME. Truly me. That is not fraud, don’t fake it. Be ME. Ask yourself what you really want, have a dialogue with the part of you that you don’t like, INVITE HER IN.

Celebrate who you are in all your goodness and all your terribleness, we’re all broken bits. We can all change, but we shouldn’t be so critical of the bad parts of ourselves, we can’t always be good.

The more you honor your shadow, the better you are going to feel. I got your number shadow, I’m going to get to know you.

How is your shadow holding you back? What are you afraid of? 

For_Mothering

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When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

from When Death Comes ~ Mary Oliver


I knew my mother for almost twenty years.
As of three days ago, she’s been gone twenty-two.

In that time I have learned to be my own Mother.
A good Mother and a CHALLENGING Mother.
I have asked time and again how she would have spoken to me or laughed with me
And the answer is – silence.
I was sad to lose her so early, but also fortunate – it has taught me to be more alive.
More myself, there was no Mother to influence me, so I had to be ME, on my own

ME. ALIVE.

In that time I have taught myself things she could not in the twenty years I knew her – to not be afraid, to have courage, to stand up sometimes – even when I’m told to sit, to say NO when I don’t want to do something, to say YES when I really want it!, to believe in myself, to believe that everything is possible.

All things that were hard for her – are no longer hard for me. Maybe, I’ve healed us both in the work I’ve done to Mother myself. I hope so.

Every year I think, “I’ll forget this year”, or I’ll not be reminded of the grief that took me nearly 15 years to overcome. But then April 7th comes around and I think of her, and now, because I am a good Mother to myself, I no longer try to stuff it away, and forget, instead I honor her, even if only in my thoughts.  I honor her –  good and bad – and the life she lived and think about the one she could have had.

I am grateful for having known her and grateful that she left me in time for me to become me. 

Maybe your Mother was there in person, but absent? Or was there and oppressive? Or was never around at all? Or Mothered you fiercely in the exact right way? Or maybe you just don’t relate to one another?

In any case, I think taking care of yourself is a good skill to have.

How do you Mother your own self?