Summer in Portland

It’s summer in Portland. It’s Portland.

It is summer in PORTLAND!

It’s the best time of year to be in Portland. Summer officially starts on July 5th in Portland, the rest of the country has already enjoyed sometimes a month or two of warm weather and sun. In Portland, summer starts slow and almost never gets unbearable, maybe a few days in August or September are too hot for us pasty white Pacific Northwesterners, but mostly it’s perfect and PERFECT.

Summer makes it a challenge to focus on anything, even writing, which is a place where it’s easy for me to focus. Everything slows down and speeds up all at the same time. I want to be out in it, doing, soaking up the sun and at the same time want to be relaxing in the sun. Calm and energetic all at once.

Eating summer meals, drinking summer drinks, sitting on the front stoop of our house – people watching, exercising, bike riding. Summer is here and I’m not going to let it derail me forever, but I’m not writing as much. I do think about writing, at almost every turn I have a thought, an idea, a glimmer of what’s to come through the pen and I jot it down or think on it as I ride my bike around in summer sun, but I’m not quite writing as much as I’d like.

If my biggest complaint is that I write less in Summer, I’m going to stop thinking it’s wrong and be thankful for it.

Reading is easier in summer, light all day, enough to read, reminds me of summer book clubs when I was young. Maybe I need to get used to the seasons and get more in touch with how my writing changes in those seasons.

Maybe my writing and life in general comes in waves with the seasons. I’m not going to keep fighting it. I’m going to trust it.

Spring – rising light, new and full of energy – spring into action (when I edit and push forward new ideas)

Summer – sun, hope and growth of ideas – the dog days of summer (when I calm down and settle into reading and fun)

Fall – gray light, turning inward and melancholy – harvest (when I think and think and prepare and writing begins again)

Winter – reflection, dark and broody – the winter of discontent (when I write most)

It’s summer, it’s exactly as it should be – TIME TO GET OUT IN IT. There is time enough for everything – there always is.

Write YOUR OWN MANIFESTO

Knowing who you are and communicating that to the world is essential to being in the world.

How you communicate it defines who people think you are and how people respond to you. It can even shape how you think about yourself.

Right after I was fired from my job, I wrote a manifesto and it was empowering for me to see myself on the page in TRUTH and not apologize for it. To see in myself things that maybe no one else could see, to hear from myself instead of someone else what I was worth.

How does one go about writing a Manifesto?  Take the answers to the ten good things about yourself from my be your own patriot post and put them into action.  Write about those ten good things – BE BOLD about it, although a manifesto is usually a public declaration, no one ever has to read it if you don’t want that. BE BOLD. 

Start your sentences with CONFIDENCE – I AM, I WILL, I DO, don’t use I think or I feel. A manifesto is not about thought or surface-level feeling, it’s about getting down into your gut, that visceral reaction. The thing you want to shout, or maybe at this stage just say into the mirror in your bathroom and believe just for you.

It’s about inspiration, what would you say to yourself to inspire yourself if you could actually form the words to encourage yourself.  For some it might be words you’d like to hear come from someone else’s mouth about you. However you get there doesn’t matter, but getting the words on the page in honor of yourself is a a step toward freedom, knowing yourself, putting yourself out there, believing.

It’s not about writing pages about yourself, it’s not your story, it’s short powerful sentences. Yours may end up taking a different direction form eventually. Be creative.

Someone asked me after reading my manifesto, “I’m wondering why you think you can say these things about yourself?” I replied with confidence “I believe them and I am that good.” And that was the truth. There is sometimes a small part of me that says, that’s not true and I just allow that in too. We all have doubt, it’s what we do with it that matters. TRUTH.

BE BOLD, no one else is going to be bold for you.

Be your OWN_patriot

In honor of Independence Day – I decided to send a call out to everyone – BE YOUR OWN PATRIOT!

We all have those moments when we think – is this all there is? Isn’t there something more? I’ve had those moments lately thinking about this blog. I haven’t been doing two posts a week like I said I would and sometimes I think, what’s the point?  What is the point? The point is that in a year, I’ll look back and say, well you let yourself down on that one, or I’ll look back and say, it wasn’t easy but – I did it! I started and I kept at it and it wasn’t easy, but I had the courage to continue.  Guess what? It’s up to me to recommit. To DO IT! Do I care enough about my own interests to be my own patriot?

As I sat down to write today I thought about Independence Day, how I might re-frame it as a call-to-action.

Independence Day is the day the representatives of the 13 colonies signed a Declaration of Independence from Great Britain, it was the birth of American independence.

What, or who is holding you back from your own independence?

I hear people all the time say, I can’t do that, I can’t talk about myself like that, I don’t know where I want to go, I’m terrible at standing up for myself. I don’t know where I’m going. My question – IF NOT YOU? THEN WHO?  There is not a magic decision making fairy who will decide.

It’s you.

Be your own patriot.

def. a person who loves, supports and defends his or her country(YOURSELF) and it’s interests with devotion.

Can’t you give yourself a little patriotism?

Give yourself permission to think good thoughts about your interests with devotion.

Today – right now write down ten good things about you, ten good things you’ve done, or ten good things you want to do. GO! do it. and then – BELIEVE IT. and if you don’t believe it – keep doing it, everyday, until you do.

Be your own patriot. Independence is not far away. 

Jenny_in the hood.

There is an old woman who rides around my neighborhood on a bike. She rides slow. I walk faster than she rides.

Even in winter, she rarely wears a coat and many days wears pink shorts. She sometimes carries a bag of cans, that I assume she takes to the corner market, The NuRiteway, to exchange for cash. I love the name of the NuRiteway. Right?

Her skin is black, ashen. Her hair is cropped short, and pushed back and down on her head. I imagine she smells like pomade. Her eyes are sad and lonely and remind me of my mother.

She drinks. She uses the cash she gets from the cans to buy booze, beer or MD 20/20. I don’t think she has a preference.

She never speaks to me, but every now and then I will get a nod from her.  I sometimes say hello, but she doesn’t respond.

A few days ago, I was out for a quick dinner on Mississippi Avenue and walked past her. She was sitting outside of the Crow Bar, a divey joint that serves drinks late into the evening, long past my bedtime.  I stopped after walking past and thought – I’m going to buy her a drink. I thought again, that’s crazy, what if she thinks you’ll always buy her drinks? I’m annoyed at myself for thinking this so I go back.

I’m nervous about saying hello to her, but I breathe in and then say “Hi, I see you around a lot and we never say hello. I’d like to buy you a drink and have a conversation with you. Would you be good with that?”

She replied “Yeah, that sounds good.” Her tongue, heavy in her mouth as she talks slow, like she rides her bike.

“Good, I’m Amy and what’s your name?”
“Jenny.”
“Good, got it. Jenny.”

We go inside, it’s dark and damp, she says “She’s paying.” I check the bartender and he raises an eyebrow.  “Yes, I’m paying, Jenny, what are you having?”
“A White Russian.” she says, without hesitation.

She does have a preference of what she’d like to drink. White Russian.
I order a white wine, which is not a very good white wine given it’s the Crow Bar, but nonetheless, here we are.

We go back outside and sit in the sun and I ask Jenny questions.

“How long have you been in this neighborhood?”
“What was it like then?”
“How have you made a living?”
“Do you have any children?”

Jenny, has no children and used to be a bartender and a housekeeper. She drinks most everyday all day. She doesn’t know why anymore. She does smell like hair product.

She gets more animated as we talk and I realize, she’s a nice lady and could be anyone.

After our conversation, I’m ready to head home. I say to Jenny.

“Now that we know each other a little bit, maybe when we pass each other on the street we can say hello. What do you think?”

“Yeah, she says. Yeah.”

I’m not sure if she’s serious, but she smiles at me a little and takes another drink of White Russian.

She didn’t accept another drink, even though I offered. She didn’t ask for anything else, we had a nice conversation and I left her in her space.

We’ve had some drug dealing and shady characters in our neighborhood lately. One person even took a picture of Jenny and posted it to an online forum thinking maybe she had something to do with it.  Maybe she does, I don’t know.

What I do know is that I like to think that all people are inherently good and given the chance they’ll find their New Right Way to be in the world, but not everyone gets that chance, or chooses to take it. So, I try to remember when I see people in the world who are different than me and who’ve made different choices than me – that they could be me and I could be them – if either of us had made different choices.

I’m glad I sat down with Jenny and hope the next time I see her she’ll say hello, one neighbor to another.

For_A Clean House

My father used to say to me “Look at this stove, it’s not clean enough.” after I finished wiping down the stove.

He’d add “Amy, don’t you want to be the best in the world at cleaning the stove? You need to try harder.”

I never engaged with him in dialogue about such things – arguing with him was almost NEVER worth it. There was this one time, while winding a garden hose in the “not right way” that I yelled back at him “Do it yourself then!” and dropped the hose and walked away. THAT was a spectacular moment.

Most days though, I’d think what I would say – “No, I don’t want to be the best in the world at cleaning a stove, ever.  When I’m older, I’ll hire someone to do that.”

It turns out that he was right and so was I.  I didn’t and still don’t want to be the best stove cleaner in the world. While I was home for 16 weeks on unemployment, I was watching my money, so I cleaned and paid attention to the details myself. I wouldn’t say I’m the best cleaner in the world, but when it’s a priority I do a damn good job. I still think of my Father when I clean the stove.

I think what he was trying to say is – find something you love doing and do that to the best of your ability, but he didn’t know the right words to say. What he forgot to mention was – first, if you are doing something you love, it doesn’t always feel like work, it will somedays, but when you get those moments of inspiration that feel like this is what you were meant to do, it doesn’t feel like work. What I was trying to say back –was you can and should outsource the things you don’t want to do.

Having a clean house is a priority, but me cleaning the house is not. Paying for a person to do what I am capable of doing seems counterintuitive. It seems like a luxury that I shouldn’t give myself. But then I remind myself:

You can afford it, if you want to. Sacrifice the things you don’t want for the things you do.

Why shouldn’t I have such luxury?

I’d rather have a clean house than 100 cable channels. For the cost of that I can have someone clean. Other people would rather have the cable channels.

The person who cleans my house left a note after their first day that said. “I love cleaning your house!”

I think that’s awesome, they’re doing what they love and I’m doing what I love. We’re both happier people.

It’s not often that I can appreciate my Father, but for this one little moment, I appreciate the fact that we were both right.

What can you stop doing that you don’t love and hire someone to do?

FEAR = ADVICE

I was listening to an interview with Danielle Laporte the other day – I know I keep mentioning her, but if you become obsessed, you gotta go with it.

She said something that sent me off unraveling threads of information in my head.  FEAR = ADVICE. FEAR=ADVICE.

I am certain she went on to say something brilliant about this statement, but all the same FEAR=ADVICE had me caught up and I went no further in the interview.

Fear is powerful, fear if taken as advice can be equally as powerful. Sometimes fear is necessary to get you moving – when there is danger involved. But many times fear paralyzes us into inaction when it might not be necessary.

Sometimes fear will guide us to turn away and that’s exactly what we should do, but what about when fear stops us because we’re afraid of something that’s not real, some story we tell ourselves?  Instead of shrinking from fear, what if we stood in front of it and asked it the question – What am I actually afraid of?

I’m afraid of not being true to myself.

I’m afraid of not being able to do it.

I’m afraid that I’ll fail – correction I’m afraid that I’ll look stupid.

Why try? I’ve tried so many times and nothing works.

All messages from FEAR that are so not cool.  By answering my own question for fear – What am I afraid of?  The answers seem meaningless when I write them down. REALLY? That’s all it takes for me to GIVE UP?

FEAR, I’ve got your number and in the future, I’m going to ask for your advice instead of shrinking away from you.

We don’t have to be small, we don’t have to shrink ourselves to fit in. We can ask FEAR for advice and either take that advice or choose to turn away from it.  It’s all ours to choose.

I question myself most days right now – What if I’ve made a terrible mistake taking this job? What if it’s not what’s right for me right now? And the what if is the problem. Time will tell.

Before Danielle Laporte mentioned fear she also mentioned mistakes and how it’s a learning experience yes, but sometimes you just make BIG ASS mistakes and you can still move on from them. They are yours and do you wish they didn’t happen? YES. But you can move on from them. If you are too afraid that you’ll repeat your mistake though, you might not move on at all.  You won’t make the same mistake and even if you do, it’s yours, own it, learn from it, GO!

No PLAN but a Path

If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path. ~ Joseph Campbell

I’ve talked about enVISIONing the future, not planning and following the energy. There is one more thing that can set you up for disappointment.  The outcome – The how you get where you are going – The way things come together.

If you are tied to how you get THERE, I can almost guarantee you’ll be disappointed.  The path almost never looks the way we imagined.

I’ll quote myself here too – I can’t ask the universe to deliver what deep down I want for my future and at the same time say, I didn’t expect it to look like this!

No back pedaling – keep going – the path is almost always unclear – everyone else may be saying – that’s not for you, don’t go that way!  And all you’ve got to do is trust that you know the way, you know the path, go with it, don’t fight it.

I don’t know what’s on the other side – I’m not sure what comes next – what I know is I’m right where I need to be right now and so are you.  David Whyte says ~ Everything is waiting for you.

And it is – Are you ready?

Start Now.

All you have to do is start.

Start at the beginning, wherever you are now.

Start.

Five years ago I would have never said “I’m a writer.” I didn’t believe it, but each day or at least many days I did something to “be a writer” – I wrote, I read and then I wrote some more – I edited – I trashed – I wrote some more.

Today, I AM A WRITER. I believe it.  I have never published anything other than on this website, but what does that mean? I write everyday, even if it’s only a little, I am a writer. My goal is to write and to publish one day, but first – you’ve got to write. If I focus on the publishing part – I’d never write, it’s too overwhelming to think about, instead I write.

I get better at it every time I show up to write.

If you don’t start today – when will you start? Tomorrow? When you retire? When things settle down?

Things never settle down, unless you make them settle down, what better way than to start a practice for bringing something larger, more meaningful into your life.

The more times you begin to do what you want to do, the easier it will become.  If you stop for a while, start again, keep showing up, whenever you can.

What will you say when time has gone by and you haven’t started?

Start. Now. GO.

What are you going to start today?

Starting a NEW job

Starting a new job, is one part first day of school – at a new school – and two parts first date, minus the nervous laughter.

You hope you end up loving them as much as you want them to love you.

You hope that everything you’ve heard and thought and the story you’ve told yourself about how it’s going to be –  IS TRUE.

You hope

Anyone can be anyone – even any organization can be anything you believe it to be for six months – and then the cracks show and the truth comes forward and you realize – you might want to make it work and you might not.

I’m thankful to have a job and thankful that it seems to be one that’s going to be amazing and the best and RIGHT opportunity for me right at this very moment. I’ve been telling people in the last few weeks that I found a job – they were so congratulatory that I had to take a step back and remember how hard it’s been for some people to find work.  I’m grateful that this all came together in the way that it did as quickly as it did.

My biggest challenge, while working, will be continuing to focus on the things that I love writing and fitness.  I’m prepared to figure out a way to DO IT. I can do it. Taking everything I’ve learned in the past and bringing it right here, into the NOW. Saying no to the black and white, always living in the gray, in between the absolutes of work and no play or play and no work. We can have both.

It’s a challenge for everyone to find time to do what they love in the world while continuing to make an income to live the life they want to live. One day those two worlds might become the same world, but until then we ride the edge.

Dreams do come true, of course it’s not without actually doing something about them though. The FUTURE is now. GO!

Resistance Training for the Mind

The greater the tension, the greater is the potential. Great energy springs from a correspondingly great tension of opposites ~ Carl Jung


When you want to get your body in shape, you run, you do resistance and strength training and you get better, faster, smaller, firmer, more fit. Feel the burn, it’s good for you.

What I call resistance training for the mind is what Carl Jung calls Holding the TENSION of the Opposites.

When I first started trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do in this life, someone suggested I hold the tension of the opposites.

I didn’t quite get the meaning, until I got the meaning.

If you are constantly doing, seeing, going, deciding, choosing  without pausing –
you likely aren’t doing much of anything.

If you aren’t aware of what your unconscious (shadow) is doing – you may be sabotaging yourself when you jump to a decision without spending some time with yourself before you jump. Sometimes, you may not have that luxury – burning building, jump out window – but many other times we do have the luxury and we don’t pause, we decide based on our patterns – our history. If we become aware of what is underneath our decision (shadow) we can see things through a clear lens – what our choices are and why we are making them – this sometimes leads to creating a new pattern for yourself, which is more meaningful.

If you choose too soon, you may make a decision out of desperation and not out of consciousness.

A few weeks ago, I had two potential career opportunities on the table, both beckoning and calling me, for different reasons. I had to decide which one to take and soon. Pausing and thinking was maddening, make the choice already! I pulled out my manifesto and my values to think about what’s important to me for the future.  Holding the tension of the opposites, this and that, the yes and the no – I got to a point just sitting, not doing, not thinking – my legs began tingle, tears fell for no reason, and soon the reason became clear – all my life, most times unconsciously – I’ve made choices that drop me into chaos and craziness – because it’s what feels comfortable.

That’s not right for me anymore and not the choice I want to consciously make.

It was instant and clear what was inline with my values and what wasn’t – and saying no to what isn’t inline with my values is clearly what I want to do. But – why was I resisting it?  Because change is hard and what feels comfortable is easy.

I paused some more and reminded myself that re-imagining and reinventing myself takes something different happening, choosing a new pattern.

If you keep ending up in the same place, with the same issues, with the same thoughts, holding the tension of the opposites when you make your next decision, might be a way to move past those things and choose something in a new way.

This is resistance training for the brain. Feel the burn.

I still find it challenging, but the more I do it, the better I get at it and the better choices I make.

Where can you hold the tension of the opposites and resistance train your mind?