On_Gray

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My favorite color is gray.
Why gray?
Gray is the in between of black and white and in a world where so many things have to be this way or that, I prefer the middle road. The gray.

It’s a reminder to myself that most of the good stuff in life happens in the gray, thinking and not acting, believing and not doubting, faith and hope instead of despair, understanding and empathy instead of judgment.
When things are gray they don’t have to be firm, they don’t have to be focused, they can be in between.

Gray is good in my book.

When in the gray, you don’t have to say yes and you don’t have to say no. You can say yes to both the white and the black.

The black and white world belongs in the early 1970s when everything was black and white on TV. I didn’t have color TV until 1981, so I lived in the black and white world a bit longer than most and got stuck there until I was round about 33, but now I can see the difference between living in black and white and living in gray.

There is a saying  – Barn’s burnt down…Now I can see the moon, it’s a quote from Mizuta Masahide, a seventeenth century Japanese poet and samurai. When I lived more in the black and white world this kind of thing occurred many times in my life. All or nothing. Black or white. Now, I don’t have to burn the whole barn down to see the moon, might have to knock down an old wall or two, but not the whole barn.

Gray is good. What’s your favorite color and why?

On_Fire

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To move your life forward you sometimes need a push, or a shove, or to finally realize the choices you’ve been making don’t serve you anymore.

Four weeks ago, at work, I drew a line in the sand and said what I thought and what I believe to be true, not what someone wanted to hear, but exactly what I thought.  I felt in my gut that if I did this I might be fired. I did it anyway, because it was the right thing.  Anyone I asked said,

“Oh no, you’ll never be fired for that!”

Somewhere deeper than I can explain though, I felt it, I knew this choice might just tip the scales.

The GIFT was knowing it was the right thing and could cause a problem and still doing it.  To speak up after all these years of not really speaking up, not just at work, but in life in general. The consequence of not speaking up this time was too great.  I was losing myself and my voice.  Feeling lost is not enough for me anymore.

I WAS fired just shy of one week ago today.  I feel fortunate that even in the moment when I was being fired I understood that it too was GIFT and a choice.   A push, a challenge – to be true to myself, to say what I mean from the most authentic place inside myself.

I never, ever imagined that there would come a day when I would say that I was fired.  I’ve worked since I was 7 years old and I’ve never once been fired. But, now that I have been, it’s one more thing I don’t have to fear.  I thought this was the worst thing that could ever happen and now I realize it’s not, I’m sure there is something worse.  I get the opportunity to reinvent myself, become a little better than before and to be more authentically me.

I do wish the conversation would have gone a bit differently, more genuine, but that was their choice. Now it’s my choice how I deal with it.  I’m a little angry and bitter and am letting those feelings run their course instead of stuffing them back like I would have years ago.  I know I’ll be fine, everything ALWAYS works out as it should, even if it’s a tough road to get there, or the end is not as you expected.

Here’s to what’s next in the world, what’s now. We can have whatever we want in life, we just need to ask for it, to choose it.

I’m not quite sure what the future holds, but I’m asking that whatever it is, it allows me the time to finish my book – oh and it has to be amazing.  Definitely.

Because of my new found freedom, I’ll have the chance to write more and I’ll be posting here two or three times a week, I promise to keep them shorter than this one and hopefully, they’ll be interesting to you.

What do you want to ask for that you think you can’t have?

What PUSH do you need to move forward?

For_GainingCourage

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When I was 40 pounds heavier,
I always thought,
I need to lose weight.  What I realized after I started losing weight was that I didn’t need to lose weight. I needed to gain COURAGE and the weight would take care of itself, or not.  The weight wasn’t the problem, it was the courage to commit to myself that was the problem.

Courage was lacking when I wanted to go out and run.  The I can’t, I won’t, I’m too fat, I jiggle when I run voice was all over my mind.  Instead – out loud I would say, “I don’t have time”, knowing full well, I lacked the courage to stick with it.

You might choose to use your courage for something other than getting out and exercising, but courage is what it takes to take care of yourself and not feel bad about it.

Courage – the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain…without fear.

WITHOUT FEAR! Imagine that.  What if I ran and nothing happened? What if I ran and didn’t lose weight?  What if?

With courage you don’t worry about such things, you do them! Without fear!

It doesn’t take courage to be who you are, you already are. What takes courage is not being perfect – letting go of fear.  You do not HAVE to lose weight, you do not HAVE to be authentic, you do not HAVE to be true to yourself, but to do these things, you do have to have COURAGE.

Having courage can feel like you are speaking for the first time. Letting your own voice and beliefs out into the world.  It can be scary, but with courage, you won’t fear it.

Once you let it out in the open – courage is contagious. If you can find a little courage everyday, you’ll see in time that courage multiplies and AMPLIFIES.  The root word of courage is cor, latin for heart.  You have heart! Courage is in you! FEAR NOT.

I’m still not at the weight that I want to be, but I have the courage to keep trying, the courage to put fitness as a priority in my life, and the courage to stop berating myself for not being where I want to be.

Be courageous –  be you, be awesome. Take the first step. What do you want to gain the courage to do/say/be?

On_Running

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Written in 2011

For a long time I believed I hated you. Hated the feeling, hated the boredom of the slap, slap, slap of my feet on the pavement or trail. I hated you being something other people really loved and I just couldn’t understand. “Running, I don’t get you.” “Exercise is a social event for me” I’d profess, as if running – just didn’t get me either – lie, lie, lie. Secretly – I don’t even like most people, so why the hell would I want to exercise with them?

Running – I’d shrug you off and choose some other exercise. I’d choose a treadmill with a TV in front of it any day, over a treadmill without. I’d go to the gym over running. Hell, I’d rather engage the rower, elliptical or stair machine than deal with you – running.

But – the evil of it all, I realized – my hatred of you wasn’t about you, running. It’s about me. Oh – relationships are so one-sided, I know, it’s always about me. I hated myself – running. Not you. I hated the time alone in my head, all the menacing thoughts coming through. I could sit for hours and write about what I feel, but that’s easy for me. I put the words on the page and then close the book, it’s a gentler way for me to get things out and over with, knowing full well that nothing is every really “dealt with” or “over with”, it always come back, but I can just write it down again and then for me – poof, gone.

But running – you challenge me to stay with the thoughts and mull them around. I try to cover them with music but they come through anyway, every song – a new lyric, a new note, sends my mind off onto something else. “Why do we all have to keep thinking all the time, can’t we just be?” I’d include the entire world in my agony to defend my loathing, and shrug you off again.

And then, the absolute reality of it all, it’s not just about the thoughts. I hated you because I felt terrible about myself whenever I ran, too heavy, sluggish, and not able to move my body. “I used to be an athlete for god’s sake. I used to do this in my sleep and even win races.” Again, justifying my hatred of you. “I once owned you running.”

Running – you were and are reality. You were the constant reminder of what I couldn’t do. I’d look in the mirror and see my swollen up face and large back and shoulders, my jiggling belly and think – there you are, look what you’ve done to yourself. I’d hear that voice every day I tried to run. My boobs bigger than they’ve ever been, the heavy stomach, flopping around, my arms rubbing against parts of my body that I hadn’t realized had grown large. Even my lower back would not only jiggle, but also flop. You’re disgusting I’d think for the entire run.

Running – you’re the reminder that I’m not who I thought I’d be. But there was a bit of good news – something changed as I began to run more, something shifted. I realized, I don’t need to own you running, I can be with you or not. It’s my choice. Who knew we had choices about such things?

Running – I’m glad to say I didn’t give up on you or me. I keep trying to be who I am in this moment and not so worried about who I thought I was going to be. “I can either run today or complain that I can’t run.”

The new mantra in hand, I’d get on the treadmill, I’d run a bit outside, I’d be forced to deal with the menacing thoughts and doubts and I’d curse the entire way, but only because I felt bad about myself. I’d stop, cry a little, be pissed off at myself, but still, I’d run. It wasn’t a lot – running, I know, you’d prefer more, but I’m doing what I can.

Running – this relationship has been hard, but it’s been honest.

Joseph Campbell, the mythologist, a long time runner said “There has got to be a still place in there and the movement has to take place around it.”

“A still place while running? I don’t believe it.” is what I say.

The loathe of running hasn’t shifted to a love of running, and I’m still not who I want to be physically or emotionally, but I’m me and I’m closer to the authentic me than I’ve been in my life. Running – I get you now. I’m still jiggly and I still don’t love you. But I can be with you now. I can run!

I’m smaller than I used to be 18 months ago when I started back with you – running – and this is no longer about the weight on me, but the entire weight inside of me.

I know you are good for me, because I hated you so much. Your dark and shadowy face always looking at me, judging me. My aversion to you is one more sign that you have some good lessons to teach me. You challenge me to be better all around from my jiggly bits, to dealing with my menacing thoughts.

Running – I won’t give up on you, if you don’t give up on me and I’ll keep trying to understand that my hatred of you is a hatred of me.